Somehow I woke up and am in the middle of my life. I have 3 kids,
I'm 30 and I drive a minivan. I have a son in kindergarten & I
remember when I was in kindergarten. People rely on me to keep them
alive & be responsible in the midst of it. I have a water bill, a
mortgage & require a babysitter to go on a date.
Somehow,
I became the adult & I can't for the life of me pinpoint when that
happened. I remember being a 'young' adult. In college with a job that
paid my 'bills' and allowed me the freedom to go & do as I
pleased.
Now my primary description is mom. And let
me tell you something: It's a little nuts. This might come across as
insensitive & selfish, but when I lie in bed at night, my thoughts
don't typically revolve around my kids. Instead, I'm usually thinking
about this little spot here...my designs...my business & what I can
do with it. It's kept me up at night more than I'd like to admit, but
that is usually the best time for me to think without interruptions. I
come up with all sorts of good ideas & things to do, but then I wake
up & I'm mom again.
Mom who is still trying to be Amy
at the same time. Mom who is trying to make dinner & design too.
And I wonder if that is good.
I caught myself in bed just this week, drumming up all
sorts of plans, not for my family, but for my business & then I
thought, "I'm really weird. Is this okay? Do my friends do this too?
Am I a bad mom for lying in bed thinking about this, instead of them?"
Trust
me, I have plenty of family & kid related things I could lay in bed
and probably solve after a few nights of deep thoughts, but instead,
I'm here.
And every morning when I wake up and become
Mom again, I have to re-find my balance & it is frustrating to me.
It's frustrating to have all these thoughts & ideas that have to
just sit for a time because there are not enough hours in the day or
gas in the tank.
I've had a scripture running through my head as I've been frustrated again & again this week. It is in
Doctrine & Covenants and was revelation given to Joseph Smith as he was translating the Book of Mormon. He we counseled by the Lord:
"Do not
run or labor more than you have and means provided to enable you to translate; but be unto the end.
"
And
so if it was good enough for Joseph Smith, I suppose it is good enough
for me. I know that when I put Mom first, somehow Heavenly Father
allows enough time for Amy as well. Funny how when I try to balance it
myself, it never works.
How many times am I going to have to learn this?