Please Stay Little Forever.

This face says it all.  Over the last 6 weeks my parenting skills have been put to the test.  Some days I fail, but most days I think we are succeeding...although I can hardly let myself even get to the point of feeling like maybe, just maybe we are turning a corner...because then it inevitably all comes crashing down.  I have come to believe that just like the age two is always described as terrible, the age of five could be described as ferocious, frightful, fierce, fiendish or foul.

You choose.

It all started when he was technically five and a half.  So far into 5, I thought we avoided the power struggle all together.  Not so. Instead, I think it was just festering & building strength.  Like a volcano ready to erupt.  And erupt he has.  It all started with the beginning of kindergarten.  Oddly enough, I'm not even sure what he is fighting.  If there is a creature of habit, it is him.  He thrives in a routine, so you think school would be a breeze.    But maybe the routine of it isn't the problem...maybe instead it is the lack of independence.  The constant barrage of direction.  If we can relate on anything, he & I, it is that we do not like to be told what, how, when & where to do things.  

And so, after 6 hours of being told what, how, when & where to do things, he comes home a volcano.  Today it took precisely 2 minutes and 11 seconds before he was huffing & puffing, stomping & slamming.  The muscles in his neck get tight.  His fists ball up.  His words are spit out in pure frustration.

All over which snack to have after school.  You can imagine his reaction when the answer is just, 'no.'  Not pretty.

Then he swings the other way.  Doesn't want to leave the house to play at friends.  Doesn't want to go to his church class, wants to go everywhere with me.  Tears. Tears. and more tears.  I swear he & his sister just switched places & it has thrown me for a loop.

He is using up all my resources.  I've loved him.  I've used positive reinforcement.  I've threatened him & carried through on my threats.  And nada.

Still lots of back talk.  Lots of frustration.  Lots of tears.  And lots of rottenness.  

And frankly, I find myself missing my little boy who was always my buddy.

I don't pretend to be a perfect parent.  His behavior will surely indicate that.  But I will say I am a very deliberate parent.  Painfully so at times.  I will fight the fight if it needs fighting & I will also stand back & watch the fall.  With him, it is usually stand back & watch the fall.  He learns best by making his own choices & then suffering the natural consequences & so, I have to stand back & watch.

But knowing it is best, doesn't make it any easier.

Tonight he had pushed to the limits & so dad was handling bedtime, while I took care of the baby.  As I was feeding him & trying to decompress from the day, Zack came bounding in.  Before he could hardly get a word out I was ordering him out of Max's room.  But his excitement bubbled over has he exclaimed, "No mom.  I have some very exciting news."  His whole body was alive with jubilation.  

Still annoyed with the interruption, I asked, "what?"

Only to have him giggle with glee that he had a loose tooth.

What?!?

I pulled, I wiggled & it jiggled.  

He was ecstatic.  I was shocked.

He was thrilled.  I was in despair.

How could this possibly be?  How did this happen?  He is way too little to be loosing teeth.

But it is here.  He will be toothless in our Christmas pictures & by summer he will have teeth bigger than his head.

I cannot believe it is happening.

I rejoiced with him & pretended I couldn't have been happier.  And then scuttled him off to bed & went back to rocking my baby, who is crawling at 5 months & will probably be walking tomorrow & talking back the next day.

Running Too Fast.

 Somehow I woke up and am in the middle of my life.  I have 3 kids, I'm 30 and I drive a minivan.  I have a son in kindergarten & I remember when I was in kindergarten.  People rely on me to keep them alive & be responsible in the midst of it.  I have a water bill, a mortgage & require a babysitter to go on a date.


Somehow, I became the adult & I can't for the life of me pinpoint when that happened.  I remember being a 'young' adult.  In college with a job that paid my 'bills' and allowed me the freedom to go & do as I pleased. 

Now my primary description is mom.  And let me tell you something: It's a little nuts.  This might come across as insensitive & selfish, but when I lie in bed at night, my thoughts don't typically revolve around my kids.  Instead, I'm usually thinking about this little spot here...my designs...my business & what I can do with it.  It's kept me up at night more than I'd like to admit, but that is usually the best time for me to think without interruptions.  I come up with all sorts of good ideas & things to do, but then I wake up & I'm mom again.

Mom who is still trying to be Amy at the same time.  Mom who is trying to make dinner & design too.  And I wonder if that is good.  


I caught myself in bed just this week, drumming up all sorts of plans, not for my family, but for my business & then I thought, "I'm really weird.  Is this okay?  Do my friends do this too?  Am I a bad mom for lying in bed thinking about this, instead of them?"

Trust me, I have plenty of family & kid related things I could lay in bed and probably solve after a few nights of deep thoughts, but instead, I'm here.

And every morning when I wake up and become Mom again, I have to re-find my balance & it is frustrating to me.  It's frustrating to have all these thoughts & ideas that have to just sit for a time  because there are not enough hours in the day or gas in the tank. 

I've had a scripture running through my head as I've been frustrated again & again this week.  It is in Doctrine & Covenants and was revelation given to Joseph Smith as he was translating the Book of Mormon.  He we counseled by the Lord:

 "Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end.^"
  
And so if it was good enough for Joseph Smith, I suppose it is good enough for me.  I know that when I put Mom first, somehow Heavenly Father allows enough time for Amy as well.  Funny how when I try to balance it myself, it never works.


How many times am I going to have to learn this?

Obsessed.

 

With the sock bun.  Probably doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but when you live in 110 degree temperatures, things like this are life-changing.  Yes, that's right, I said life-changing.  Since Scoobs has started school, I feel like my 'get ready' time has to be put on fast forward in order to get everyone up & out the door on time.  I suppose I could wake up earlier, but that would be too easy.  Instead, I find myself constantly going to the sock bun.  

You've probably seen or heard about this 100 times on pinterest.  Me too.  And I thought it was for 18 year-old girls with thick, long hair.  Nope.  Just the opposite...at least on the hair requirements.  My hair is a bit past my shoulders, but thin & fine.  Typical blonde hair.  If you can put your hair into a pony, you can wear the sock bun.

There are a couple of ways to do it.  Find tutorials, here, here & here. The first one is my favorite.

The one thing I learned, was to use a sock that was similar in color to your hair -- this was really obvious when I tried it with a white sock.  So save yourself a pair of socks & use one similar in color to your hair.  My sister told me you can also buy a net-type thing at Claire's that is made for such a bun.  But I'm lazy & its hot, so if I can accomplish something without loading up my kids...I will probably choose that route.

We still have a month {or two...boo} of summer temps, so I am pretty sure I will be sporting it overtime until our fall temps of 75 roll around.

This is Zack.

and he hates going to school.  Hates it.  This is Zack 5 minutes before his ride came to pick him up.  Happy.  Finding a caterpillar after last night's storm seemed like an answer to prayers to get him out the door happy.  Until he dropped it in the grass on his way to show is buddy.  Then the tears started.  The 'please don't make mes' the 'mommy I want to stay homes' the 'I'll miss yous' all said in betwixt and around hugs & tears & 'get your buns in the cars.'

And now you know what?  I hate school too.  But I've learned a couple of things: Home is a place he likes to be & that makes me beyond happy.  He will still hug me in public & tell me he loves me.  What's not to love about that?  He still wants to each lunch with me...even if its at school...instead of his friends.  He's smart.  He teacher reports near-perfect behavior at school & his homework shows he is understanding all the new things he is learning.  He goes to a wonderful school.  They are pushing him...and like a good boy, he's showing he has some fight.  I'm glad he has some fight & is willing to let it all hang out at home.  I'm glad he is relying on me to be his advocate...I just wish he was on the same page as me about school.

Hopefully one day soon.

Until then, I will be here with the little crazies & my design, because sometimes, I just need something to keep my mind busy in the hours that he is gone.

Off to Russia He Goes.

I'm sure this picture has you wondering.  Let me explain.  Over 20 years ago...when I was just a wee girl there is a picture of me.  We were vacationing in Yellowstone with my mom's side of the family and one of the days found us on a canoe.  I actually can't even remember it I was so little.  Apparently it was cold & I was a complainer {shocker!}.  So I am sure in an effort to shut me up & keep me warm my mom or my aunt wrapped a scarf around my ears.  The scarf.  The Coke bottle glasses {remember?} & snaggle teeth were bad enough.  But we were also on a canoe & the wind was blowing & suddenly I looked like a little Russian immigrant crossing the turbulant seas to America.

The pictured has popped up to haunt me on numerous occasions.  One thing you should know about my family is we never forget.  Ever.  You do something stupid & we will be reminding you for 20 years.  So this picture has never gone away.  My wedding dinner?  Oh yes, let's use the 'Russian Immigrant' picture!  It has been immortalized & of course re-surfaced again, when Kevin got his mission call to serve in...you guessed it, Russia.

What are the odds?

And so today, in an effort to bid farewell & good luck I offer an updated version of the 'Russian Immigrant.'  In just a few hours Kevin will begin his journey criss-crossing the globe to land in Russia for 2 years.

I am beyond excited for him, but wracked with nerves.  It just feels so far away & unfamiliar.  My mind wanders & I wonder where he will live.  Will it be clean?  Will he find food he likes?  Will he want to curl up in a ball and bawl?  That is something I would do.

His letters are full of excitement & anticipation & I'm sure that adrenaline will carry him for a bit, but then what?  I don't even know, because I've never done it.  But I assume it is somewhat like having a baby.  9 months of anticipation & excitement & then the baby is born.  You land in Russia.  Uncharted territory & the first 5 weeks are a dreamy breeze. You are tired, but still full of that new-baby adrenaline.  And then you wake up & wonder how the heck you got where you are.  Dazed by the responsibility ahead of you.  Asking who in the world ever trusted you to be in charge of this person?

I'm pretty sure he will have some of those moments.  I just wish I was there to hold his hand through it.  Isn't that what all mothers want to do?  Sit in the back of the kindergarten class & smile at their kids?  Give them the head nod of encouragement?  Be the security blanket for the rest of their lives?


We get to talk to him at the crack of dawn in the morning before he boards that first plane.  Say a little prayer for him?  And my mom, while you are at it. 

Sometimes the best things in life are also the hardest.

By the way, you should have seen the photoshopped composite picture we sent him to bid him farewell.  Just think, me, my mom & Lindsey all dressed in our best 'Russian' gear {what is that even?} & photographed in the blaring sun & then photoshopped into a winter wasteland...that may or may not be Russia.  Quite possibly the most fun I've had wasting the most time on the most useless 'farewell' package...that we had to rush him.  Are we dumb?  yes.  Do we crack ourselves up?  Also, yes. 

Little Missy off to School?!?

Photo 1 of my photo challenge

This little Lady is headed off to school tomorrow.  She'll only be gone 2 short hours, but it is a milestone worth noting.  Over the last 2 months she has morphed from a pants wetting toddler into a dress-up wearing little girl & I have no idea how it happened.

Suddenly she requests princess music so she can dance & insists that I call her Princess Annaliese.  She is growing up these days has turned into a pure delight.  She is quick to help {most the time} and anxious to please...and again, I'm not sure how or when that happened.

She still sucks her thumb, which I know I need to break her of, but part of me loves it.  She talks with a lisp and when she says her full name her middle name comes out sounding like 'cat.'  Let me assure you, that is not her middle name, but it makes me laugh everytime.

She is every bit as coordinated as her brother, but doesn't give one whip about being the best or the fastest.  She was the 'best' swimmer in her swim lessons & is in a pool 4 times a week & yet she still can't swim.  She is too busy laughing & playing to care about breathing I suppose.

She will not be forced into anything.  Trust me, I've tried {see swimming}.  Instead, when she is ready, she will just do it.  Simple as that.  Remind me of that next time I throw her in the pool, okay?  {I know that sounds brutal...but she can do it...and we live in Arizona...swimming is essential to safety.} 

It is odd how this shift has happened.  Scoobs used to be my little buddy & now he is off to school & she has stepped right in.  Chattering away throughout the day, making sense of everything going on around her.  She has turned into a little mother for Mister Man.  Bringing him toys wherever we go & always willing to feed him, pick out his clothes & scold him for rolling over on top of her.

She is a riot.  And I can't believe preschool is here.  I can't wait for her.  She is going to love every bit.

-----

Photo:  I had to take 60 pictures to get this one & her eyes are still out of focus. 

Filled to the Brim.

Today found Scoobs & I at a baptism.  If your Mormon and you so choose, the very soonest you can get baptized is when you are 8.  Our neighbor's son just turned 8 & today was his special day.  All the previous baptisms Scoobs has been to have been his older cousins.  He was glad to go today, mostly so he could see his friend & be silly.  Not conducive baptism behavior, but he's 5 so we'll give him a break.

I arrived about 10 minutes early & I'm not sure what I expected to find.  I knew their was family coming, but wasn't sure who else.  But as I sat in the chapel, neighbor after neighbor began to filter in.  As I looked around I realized just how blessed I am to live surrounded by such love & support.

As more & more friends came through the door I was physically overwhelmed at the unity that was felt.  I tried to recall my nieces' baptisms.  Did all their neighbors show up?  It is hard for me to remember, as my family is a crew in & of itself {21 of us to date}.  I remember a few close friends coming, but nothing like what showed up today.

We literally filled the entire Primary room for one little boy.  And while there were moments of restless children, there were also moments of pure joy. 

I remember when my brother was growing up & there was always this posse of boys with him.  It ebbed & flowed through the years, but fundamentally stayed the same.  Fast forward 15 years & my parent's ward currently has 28 missionaries out right now.  28!!!  That is nuts.  My ward?  I think we have 2 with one more on the way. 

On my street right this moment there are 32 kids 12 and under...with 1 on the way.  Yes.  I counted.  And that is just on my itty bitty street!  The neighborhood as a whole would blow your mind with the kid count.  Come fall when the weather is nice they are like rodents darting in & out of the street.  And I love it.

And today it was all wrapped up with a bow as I sat in that chapel.  I looked around & thought there is no where I'd rather be.

Except when Scoobs started wrestling with his friend post-baptism.

First Time Kinder Mom

 

I've known this day was coming.  And dare I say there were many-a-times I looked forward to it?  I did.  And I feared it.  And I wished it away. And it came anyway.  3 days ago to be exact.

And it has been a rough 3 days.

By rough I mean, tears.  Lots of tears.  Slammed doors.  Foot stomping.  Shrieks & shrills.  And surprisingly the tears aren't mine.  I always thought I would be the one crying.  And I've done some.  But they have mostly been his.  Which has been the cause of mine.

phew.  Who knew Kinder could be so hard? 


I anticipated that he would come home full of excited stories with energy to burn from being at a desk all day.  I was prepared to exhaust his physical energy.  I was not prepared for his emotional outbreaks.  And wow.  He is not holding back.

It breaks my heart for him.  I know his little mind is trying to soak up every little bit his teacher is putting out.  I know he is trying for perfection in his behavior.  I know he wants to be the smartest.  The fastest. The bestest.  And it is taking every little bit he has to give.

And while I'd like to just take it all away for him.  Let him stay home.  Go back to our summer routine of fun. fun. fun.  I can't.  And I won't.   Instead I will wake up earlier than I'd like.  I will pack that blasted lunch.  I will gel his hair to perfection.  I will sneak treats into his lunch with a napkin & a note & send him on his way.

But let it be known, I wish our mornings still looked like this:

 

Saturday can't get here soon enough.

Custom Baby Announcements

 

Speaking of Little Misters...meet my favorite one.

Max has truly been such a blessing.  He is by far my 'best' baby.  He is happy.  He is content & he's got me wrapped around his chubby little finger.

With each baby, I have found different things that connect me with them.  With Scoobs, he was my first.  He's the one that made me a mother.  So he will always be my favorite for that reason.  With the Lady, she is my only girl & she tested me harder than any of them.  So she will always be my favorite for that reason.  With Max, he is my third & a fatty.  I was the third & a fatty {9lbs, 13oz}.  And he's named after my dad.  So he will always be my favorite for that reason.

He is chubby & snuggly and I couldn't love him more.

That and the other night he slept 12 whole hours.

What's not to love about that?

5x5 cards printed on premium bamboo paper...my new favorite.

Photo Credit: Baby Love Photography

Run.

With Mister sleeping through the night, I've decided now would be a good time to try to get the last 5lbs off...you know before I am beaching it in a bathing suit for 7 days straight.  That and I always always always feel better when I am running.  I hardly classify myself as a runner.  Meaning I don't typically sign up for races or events...and I don't aspire to run a marathon.  That might change when I have the time to pay attention to my training, but for now, it is just for the enjoyment factor...and so I can fit back into my jeans sometime soon.

And so, I awoke at 6 am after a not-so-great night's sleep.  I've been having the weirdest dreams I tell you, but that is anther story for another time.  I laced up my running shoes, grabbed my phone & my earphones.

I was hoping against hope that my earphones would work with my phone.  You see not too long ago, soccer season to be exact, my phone was casually tossed into the 'soccer game bag.'  Which is a glorified shopping bag.  You know the ones you pay $1 for?  Yes, that is my 'soccer game bag'.  It holds necessities like popcorn for the Lady & I to munch on during the game.  This time is also included a sippy of water that the Lady had prepared for herself.  I'm sure you can see where I am going with this.  The Lady in preparing her sippy, pulled a cup from the cabinet that Scoobs had unloaded from the dishwasher.  Scoobs does not put the little plastic things into the tops of sippies when he unloads...and so, her sippy, my 'soccer game bag' and my phone had an unfortunate run in.

Thankfully my phone still works.

Except for the sounds.  It rings & beeps for calls & texts, but that is about it.  No sounds on games.  No clicks when I capture a photo.  No iTunes.

And so now I have a problem when I run.  I got new running shoes that don't have the Nike+ chip in them...so now my mileage tracker is on my phone...and my music is on my ipod.  I used to have my miles & music on my ipod.  I don't like carrying either when I run...and so this morning I thought I would try my headphones with my phone & Pandora app, thus eliminating my ipod.

I thought I was pretty clever...until the sound didn't work with my headphones either.

So on what I'd like to call my first 'official' run...I went unplugged.

And you know what?  I really liked it.

Part of my motivation in getting back in running shape is so that I can run while I am on vacation in the mountains & at the beach.  Is it dumb that I dream about running up at the cabin?  Dirt roads, mountain breezes...it all sounds dreamy when I am in 110 degree heat.  The only problem is, it is only dreamy when you are in running shape.  Which I define as being able to run a casually run 3 miles with nary a problem.  I'm not in 'running shape.'

This morning though as I ran unplugged I noticed a lot of things I normally don't.  Like the fact that I was already on a dirt road...with a tractor driving by no less.  The sun was brighter.  The sky was bluer & the grass greener.

I am thinking I might be running unplugged more often.

Dear Mister.

I almost hate to say it out loud for fear of jinxing it, but we are on night 5 of Little Mister sleeping, not just through the night but, through the night in one long glorious 12 hour stretch.

I can hardly believe it myself.

Remember the Lady? She was 2 YEARS old when she finally slept through that last 4-5 am wake up. Sheesh.

This is a dream baby I tell ya and I am soaking up every little bit of him. I can hardly tell you how much I love this little guy. He has my heart wrapped around his chubby little finger.

Remember how I cried when I found out I was pregnant? I felt so overwhelmed with the thought of a new baby.

Heavenly Father certainly answers prayers. Instead of feeling over-worked & overwhelmed I feel competent, capable & content. This baby has added such a richness to my life that I didn't even know I was missing.

So remind me next time when my life takes an unexpected turn...it might be just the turn I needed.

Summer Here We Come

 

Glad Kevin is home to entertain my kids while I tan 

{that's code for feed a baby}

 

Really glad Scoobs enjoys such entertainment.

Pinterest at Work.

 

We've spent more hours home the last month than I can possibly remember.

Life with a newborn.

And so, I started looking at my Pinterest board of 'things I should do.'

It is mostly full of things I should do with my kids, or around the house.  This & that.

And it is where I discovered this little gem.

Homemade 'paint' for your concrete.

2TB cornstarch

2TB water

5 drops of food coloring

I mixed mine in some jars I had laying around & it kept these 3 busy for a good hour on a warm day.  They painted the patio, their slides, rocks, leaves, you name it.

My kids could hardly believe I was really telling them to paint on the ground.

When it dries it turns to a chalky paste & just brushes right off after an hour or so.  They got it on their clothes as well & it came right off.

Pretty sure I will do this one again.

The Intangibles.

 

We are almost 6 weeks into Mr. Man.  6 weeks!  6 weeks and he is already in 3-6mos clothes.  I can't believe it myself...and yet I've lived it.  And I think we've lived it well so far...all things considered.  Today as I folded my 6th load of laundry {I was a bit behind in the folding department} I got to thinking about this little place here.  Right here.  Where I try to put my best face forward & realized I had nothing noteworthy to post.  I was folding my 6th load of laundry for heaven's sake! Who wants to hear about that?  Isn't the internet where we go to escape those responsibilities?  

And then I started feeling sorry for myself...well that had started earlier, but with time to think I felt sorry for myself that my husband has a job that keeps him busy 50 hours a week.  Sorry for myself that I was sitting showered & clean, in my gym clothes...wishing they were wet with sweat.  Sorry for myself that my kids were happily entertained with neighborhood friends, running in & out with wet feet & leaving the door open for flies...how dare they!  Sorry for myself that my husband has had the opportunity to get his MBA over the last 18mos...taking him away night after painful newborn night.

And then I stopped.

I didn't want to feel sorry for myself.  Why should I be sorry that my time is spent folding laundry?  Washing dishes?  Wiping bums?  Disciplining?  Making dinner?  Washing sheets?  Taking out the trash?  Playing make believe?

As I folded I thought.  These are the intangibles.  The day in & day out stuff that has to get done.  The jobs that don't show up on a stat sheet.  They are not featured on the nightly news, nor is their a red carpet awards ceremony for them.  They don't appear here to dazzle you with their design.  They don't require make-up, or the latest fashion.  They don't capture well on film, but they are the very essence of what life it made up of.

Sticky floors & superheros.  Tying shoes & taking turns.  Making lunch & missed naps.  All of it.  The stuff behind the scenes.  The wiping of tears, the brushing of teeth, the potty treats, the mad search for the missing shoe -- all those things just to get out the door to face the day!  

No wonder I started feeling sorry for myself.  The thought of it all is overwhelming.  And yet, I wouldn't want to do anything else.  And why do what I want to do the most feeling sorry for myself?  While I have new ideas dancing in my head & while my fingers ache to be on my keyboard...laundry, sadly, has to come first...or at least, tenth.

As I folded, I continued to think.  How to get out of my 'sorry for myself' rut of the moment.  I knew just thinking I 'should' get out of it, wasn't going to be enough.  You have to remember, I'm still up at all hours & haven't seen my husband in days...literally.  My kids had had friends over all day, the Lady didn't take her nap that I had planned on, which meant I didn't get one either.  Mr. Man had an off day & did I mention I spent the day in sweats walking on sticky floors?  Never a good idea for your self-esteem in my opinion. 

And so I moved my iPod from my kids' room to the kitchen & turned on some of my favorite 'happy' music.  It is instrumental & I have a few favorites, but they always restore some peace to my soul.  It is amazing to me how quickly that one thing can change my mood.  Suddenly, I was delighted at the mess being made in my yard because it meant my kids were using their imaginations, and heck, they weren't bored & bugging me while I folded.  And changing the sheets became a game with the Lady of hide & seek & tickling toes. 

And suddenly, life didn't seem so bad.

And while in this little space here, it might seem like I have disappeared, know I've gone to a happy place & I'll be back.  For a month I've supposedly 'taken off' I have a stack of new designs to get photographed & posted.  And it will happen...someday.

Until then...I'm here in sweats with sticky floors & a cute girl to giggle with.  You should hear her tell me I'm her favorite gurl...it makes all that laundry worth it.

 

Say hello to butterball.

He's still a bottomless pit, weighing in at 11 pounds at 4 weeks.

Never thought I'd have a baby in the 90th percentile.

Really I was surprised when the Lady was in the 50th.

I hope he grows as tall as he does wide...hehe.

Either way, we are all still smitten.

Tired...but smitten.

Easter & Such

 

Easter happened 3 weeks ago, I realize, but Mr.M was only 1 week old & I just uploaded the pics that I snapped POST church.  Not fresh.  Not clean.  But taken...and heck, they are both looking, so that is a win. 

Like I said, in my last post, we've been going gang busters.  The weekend before Easter, I had Mr.M.  Easter weekend, found my oldest brother in the hospital for 3 or 4 days with a really bizarre & scary virus.  No worries now, all is well, but the weekend felt a bit heavy.  Oddly enough, I was originally scheduled to have Mr.M over Easter...good thing we got him a bit early so my parents could spend 2 weekends in the hospital.  Anyway, his blood platelets were extremely low & until they could rule out cancer, we were all a bit more than anxious.  Which we demonstrated in our usual way, by being sarcastic & making jokes about a not-funny situation & thus keeping our emotions just under the surface until we knew all was well.  They put him on some steroids & everything worked itself out...we just thought he should come home looking like a cast member of Jersey Shore with the amount of steroids he was on.  No luck there, though.  Sorry Jules.

Between having a new baby, an older brother in the hospital & a younger brother ready to head out to Russia for 2 years, I've found myself a bit more reflective & thus, I tend to leave this spot for a bit until my thoughts are sorted.

All that being said, my thoughts still aren't sorted, but I'm ready to write again.  You'll probably have less design over the next month and more sap as May is jam packed...I mean jammed, with all sorts of frivolity & celebration.  Every single weekend has multiple things scheduled.  Don't believe me?  This coming week includes all of the following:  The Lady's birthday, Fathers & Sons campout, Scot's graduation {just walking, he still has 3 more weeks of school} & it is Mr.M's baby blessing at church.

Oh & did I mention Easter was also my sister's birthday?  She's the greatest & I can't wait to showcase some of her best work yet involving the latest, the greatest, the cutest Mr. M.

No one Likes a Frowny Face.

And I've been sporting a frowny face for far too long.  I hate to admit it, but it is so very true.  I think my family & friends must be sick of me & this pregnancy.

I had another doctor's appointment today & for whatever reason, doctor's appointments send me into a bit of an emotional tail spin.  I'm not sure what I am expecting...my water to break on the table?  To find out I have indeed been in labor & they need to rush me to the hospital immediately to deliver the baby?  The hospital found out about my man-child and are going to change the 39-week rule just for me?  Super!

Any of those would be welcome, but alas, I usually find out the same.  I am 36-and-a-half weeks & yes, my baby is still big.

And then I leave.

And two hours later when my back is literally throbbing & Scoobs is helping to rub menthol lotion on it & I can't see straight, I bawl my eyes out.  I bawl because my hormones are obviously swinging hard & fast in both directions.  I bawl because I am tired of the back pain.  I bawl because I want to be able to move again.  I bawl because I'm just tired.  It has been days since I have slept, maybe weeks?  I can't really remember.

And then I'm grouchy.  Just ask Scot.  Most nights I'm a real treat by the time he gets home.  And I've decided I have a whole new respect for people that suffer with chronic pain.  It makes me a big pain in the you-know-what.

Then my grouchiness turns to action & I think, "Well, I know what will solve this problem!  We will just get this baby out!"  And then I obsess about this & that & a whole lot of crap that really probably doesn't work.

Pretty good frowny face right?  I bet you want to run right over & hang out with me all day.

Tonight as I was taking my ritual soak -- it is the only way to relieve the weight on my back -- I got to thinking...what do I even want out of this whole experience?

I realize it does not need to be as painful as I am making it.  And I also realize that it does in fact require some literal pain & sacrifice.

After mulling it over a bit I know what I want.  Having had 2 c-sections, I did, in fact, lament with my sister-in-law that I would never know what labor felt like.  I would never have that middle of the night wake up call.  I would never know the pain of the contractions.  I would never have birth out of my control.  I pick the date, I pick the time, clean my house, make arrangements for my kids, pack my bags, show up & bam...there is my baby.  It is kind of great, really great, but again, I longed for the 'labor' experience.  And that, for better or for worse, is what I want.

Even though, you should know, it absolutely terrifies me.  Whether or not my worry is warranted, I've been told for so long that I am 'high-risk' if I go into labor, that the idea is a bit more than scary.  That being said, I also want to know that my body functions normal.  I don't want to pick the date.  I want to feel the contractions & drop whatever it is I am doing.  I want the rush of not knowing exactly when this baby is coming...even though it has been driving me absolutely nuts.

And so, now that I know, I will wait.  I will wait until he is ready to come.  Without a frown.  Maybe not a smile.  But with faith.  Which is so much better than fear.  Fear makes for frowns.  And I'm pretty sure faith makes for fun.

I'll keep you posted.

Baby Update...and then back to work!

 

I am pretty sure this weekend was the last time I will actually 'dress' this body.  My pants fall down, my shirts creep up...it is not pretty.  This is the size I normally am when I deliver...but here we are, housing a man-child & on baby watch.  I never thought I would be on 'baby watch.'  But alas, here we are.

Here is the story in numbers...

At 32 weeks the ultra sound measured the baby at 35 weeks & 5 pounds.

At 35 weeks the ultra sound measured the baby at 39 weeks & 8 pounds.  I may or may not have about fell off the table when I heard that, but in my gut {literally} already knew he was big.

Then I came home a had a mini meltdown.  Years ago I had fibroid tumors, which required a c-section like surgery to remove.  They were removed, benign, left me a pant size smaller & a whole lot of deep scarring on the backside of my uterus.  Thus, making me a great candidate for uterine rupture & requiring all my babies to be born via c-section.  At the time, my doctor & I weren't sure if I'd even be able to carry a baby full term.  But we are 2 for 2 so far & going for the 3rd.  But when I realized just how big he was & added how many more weeks I had to go...I got a little nervous.

Since I've had the Lady the hospitals in my area have changed their 'rules' and will not allow any scheduled c-sections or inductions prior to 39 weeks.  Both my others were born at 38 weeks & weighed 7.5 pounds.  So I may or may not have panicked at the thought of carrying such a big baby an additional week given my history.

But, and here is where baby watch comes in, once I am 36 weeks {today!} if I go into labor they will not stop it, but instead rush me in for my c-section.

If only I knew what 'going into labor' felt like & how to prod myself there.  Really.  I've had 2 kids & have never had a contraction & feel completely clueless about it all.  I figure he will come when he is ready...but let me tell you, my back?  It is ready for him to make an appearance sooner as opposed to later.  Like today?  tomorrow?  please?

Oddly enough, after I had the Lady I was lamenting with a friend that I was disappointed I would never get to experience labor.  Not that I think it is enjoyable, but I do recognize it as a valuable life experience & one that I would likely never have.

I guess sometimes you get what you ask for.

So...give me your best labor inducing ideas! 

The Lady: Growing up.

Sometimes I wonder how this girl went from this:

to this:

 

overnight.

and that face pretty much sums up why she is the spoiled one around these parts.

She's got a pretty good twinkle if you ask me.

and if only you could hear her on a daily basis.

hilarious.

growling, sighing, giggling & demanding.

She's good at all of them.

My favorite right now though?

She clacks her tongue when she is thinking about something.

Can't decide which movie to watch?  She'll lay out 10 and 'clack, clack, clack' goes her tongue as she mentally haggles over which one to watch.

kills me every. single. time.

I am certain there will be some serious growing pains on her part when this baby shows up to take her throne as the 'baby' but at the same time, I am so excited for her to grow into that new role as big sister.

Because just like with everything else...

She's gonna rock it.

Soaking up Life...

as a family of 4.

Last weekend instead of calling on our usual babysitter for date night, we brought the kids along.  Scoobs asks on a regular basis what we do on 'date night' and so this time, he & the Lady got to come.

It was the end of a long Saturday spent at soccer games & soccer parties & setting up the Alice in Wonderland baby shower...so dinner out was a necessity.

While the kids' idea was initially Chick-fil-a, I refused.  We don't take them out to dinner often & yet I'd like to think we can & they will behave, but part of that is actually taking them & teaching them proper eating out etiquette...above & beyond Chick-fil-a.

And so we upgraded a bit.

 

and I have to say, they were delightful.  Granted we've learned a few things on previous 'fancy' dinner nights out with kids in tow...like order asap.  I've decided appetizers are a great way to have something show up quick to keep them focused & not bouncing off the walls.  A table you can write on with crayons doesn't hurt either...

But etiquette aside, they were just plain fun.  And I caught myself trying to soak up every little bit of them while it was just the two of them.  They are buddies & were so happy to be out with mom & dad and it showed in the sparkles in their eyes.  Kind of made my pregnant mother heart melt...and we all know, I am not a sentimental, heart melter.

But, they just seemed so grown up.  Looking at the menu, hearing their options, choosing their own dishes, ordering them & then actually eating them?  That is either a miracle, or a sign that they are indeed getting bigger & more experienced in making their own choices...probably a combination of both, but it was a heart melter.

 

I'm grateful to have this guy as my oldest, the big brother to them all.  I come from a family with a brother as oldest & I loved it.  He is the perfect combination of teacher, teaser, wrestler & care taker.  Really, the things he makes his sister do, kill me, because it is just like my older brother.  Teasing & taunting & then laughing & laughing.  She is just thrilled to be thought of as a playmate.  I loved hearing them interact throughout this dinner.  Scoobs was more than happy to teach his sister the ropes when it came to which soda to order.

Dinner as a family of 4 is fantastic...and I'm glad we checked that off the list before we all get to love on this baby & turn into a party of 5.