And I've been sporting a frowny face for far too long. I hate to admit it, but it is so very true. I think my family & friends must be sick of me & this pregnancy.
I had another doctor's appointment today & for whatever reason, doctor's appointments send me into a bit of an emotional tail spin. I'm not sure what I am expecting...my water to break on the table? To find out I have indeed been in labor & they need to rush me to the hospital immediately to deliver the baby? The hospital found out about my man-child and are going to change the 39-week rule just for me? Super!
Any of those would be welcome, but alas, I usually find out the same. I am 36-and-a-half weeks & yes, my baby is still big.
And then I leave.
And two hours later when my back is literally throbbing & Scoobs is helping to rub menthol lotion on it & I can't see straight, I bawl my eyes out. I bawl because my hormones are obviously swinging hard & fast in both directions. I bawl because I am tired of the back pain. I bawl because I want to be able to move again. I bawl because I'm just tired. It has been days since I have slept, maybe weeks? I can't really remember.
And then I'm grouchy. Just ask Scot. Most nights I'm a real treat by the time he gets home. And I've decided I have a whole new respect for people that suffer with chronic pain. It makes me a big pain in the you-know-what.
Then my grouchiness turns to action & I think, "Well, I know what will solve this problem! We will just get this baby out!" And then I obsess about this & that & a whole lot of crap that really probably doesn't work.
Pretty good frowny face right? I bet you want to run right over & hang out with me all day.
Tonight as I was taking my ritual soak -- it is the only way to relieve the weight on my back -- I got to thinking...what do I even want out of this whole experience?
I realize it does not need to be as painful as I am making it. And I also realize that it does in fact require some literal pain & sacrifice.
After mulling it over a bit I know what I want. Having had 2 c-sections, I did, in fact, lament with my sister-in-law that I would never know what labor felt like. I would never have that middle of the night wake up call. I would never know the pain of the contractions. I would never have birth out of my control. I pick the date, I pick the time, clean my house, make arrangements for my kids, pack my bags, show up & bam...there is my baby. It is kind of great, really great, but again, I longed for the 'labor' experience. And that, for better or for worse, is what I want.
Even though, you should know, it absolutely terrifies me. Whether or not my worry is warranted, I've been told for so long that I am 'high-risk' if I go into labor, that the idea is a bit more than scary. That being said, I also want to know that my body functions normal. I don't want to pick the date. I want to feel the contractions & drop whatever it is I am doing. I want the rush of not knowing exactly when this baby is coming...even though it has been driving me absolutely nuts.
And so, now that I know, I will wait. I will wait until he is ready to come. Without a frown. Maybe not a smile. But with faith. Which is so much better than fear. Fear makes for frowns. And I'm pretty sure faith makes for fun.
I'll keep you posted.
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