Deep Thoughts: Choosing Happiness 2011

For those of you just joining us, my 'experiment' for 2011 has been to choose happiness.  And by choose I mean for me to make conscious choices that reflect my desire to be happy.  Which isn't to say I'm not happy now, or that I have been unhappy but more so to see how my choices work in that process.  To see where I have control of my own destiny.

I'm going back to Scoobs & the basketball situation.  Which I know is old news, but if you missed it...catch up here & here.  I'm going back to this because I learned a lot in that experience.  I have found that I learn gospel principles the best within the own framework of my family.  For instance, I learn about my relationship with my Heavenly Father by comparing it to the relationship with my own father & that of mine with my own kids.  Meaning, the parent child dynamics are the same. They way I feel about my kids, Heavenly Father feels about me, but perfectly.  I learn about my relationship with the Savior on a lot of different familial relationships, but again, most prominently with my parents & with my kids' interactions with each other on a sibling level.

So back to basketball.  I love the quote, "Trust Your Struggle."  It is a bit melancholy but so profound to me.  I have found it easiest to NOT choose happiness in the midst of my struggles.  But in reality I think our struggles makes happiness all the sweeter.  And I think I can be happy in my struggles. 

I learned a lot about my relationship with my Savior while trying to advocate for Scoobs in his basketball situation.  What was I willing to protect him from?  What did I want him to learn?  What experiences would help him learn those things?  What was too much for him?  At what point was I willing to take the fall for him? 

All questions I asked myself in regards to the basketball situation.  And if I'm being honest, a big part of my hesitation was that I did not want to make the phone call to pull him from the team.  I did not want it to be viewed as failure {to a team of people I met 1 time & would likely never see again.  Yes.  I did not want them to view us as failures.  dumb.  I know}.  But in processing this & asking myself all these questions, I learned that the Savior does the same for us.

What is He willing to protect us from?
What does He want us to learn?
What experiences will help us learn those things?
What is too much for us?
At what point is He willing to take the fall for us?

When I take the time to look at my struggles through the eyes of a loving parent helping His child to learn, it is easy to trust my struggle.  It is easy to shoulder it in happiness...even when I don't understand why.  Because as I struggle I know their is a loving Savior that is willing to shoulder the burden with me.  Just as I am willing to shoulder the burden with Scoobs.  And to be honest, I've had enough struggles to know the quicker I come to acceptance & happiness about it, the sooner I can find myself feeling like I'm on the other side {even when I'm really not!}.

And that feels like happiness to me.

Post Edit:  Did this post make you feel like I have a laundry list of struggles?  Because know, that I know how very blessed we are.  We live in abundance in every sense of the word & I don't want to pretend it is otherwise.  We have food on the table, a roof over our heads & no major health issues. 

From Where I Stand.

Our past makes our present & our present makes our future.  It is a simple statement, but so much more.  Our lives are made up of experiences & expectations, ideas & insecurities, actions & reactions, all coming together to the moment we are currently in.

A couple weeks ago I went into 'the office' which is a term I use very loosely, as it is not my office, but my broker's office where I hang my real estate license...did you I know I still have that?  Back from my 'real job days'...well yes.  I still have it & it is still fun to me.  Anyway, I went to 'the office' to pick up some paperwork, this, that & the other.  It was on a bank holiday day & so Scot was home & I had to get up earlier than normal to shower, get dressed & 'go to work.'  It was odd leaving the house all dolled up & him here with the kids in his pj's.  Complete role reversal.  I drove my 20 minutes out of suburbia & arrived at 'the office.'  And felt like I was in the 'ghetto.'  Mind you 'the ghetto' is a stone's throw from my old college campus that I attended year in & year out...not at all thinking it was the ghetto.

But now?  Things have changed.  I now live in suburbia with my own kids & rarely travel outside my little 3 mile radius of tree-lined streets & white picket fences.  I wave to the same neighbors, borrow eggs from the same friends & trade kids with my sister.  It struck me in that moment how quickly my perception had changed.  How quickly the new became the norm & the old unfamiliar.

And that was just over a place.  Not a person.  Not an event.  Just a location.

A few weeks after going to 'the office' I went out with Scot & some of his colleagues...who were mostly women.  Some were married.  Some had children.  But all worked outside of the home full time.  As they discussed nannies & work deadlines, I again felt out of sort.  Mind you before kids, I had a 'real' job {that I really loved}, so I was surprised at my disconnect & inability to relate.

As they laughed about nannies going to story time deep down I wondered if they valued my choice to stay home.  Deep down I wondered if they put me in the 'dumb blonde' category.  Deep down I wondered if they thought I couldn't hold a job.  Deep down I wondered what my perception was on them.  Did they know it was a deliberate & real choice?  A choice I looked forward to my whole life?

I got in the car & cried.  And then I came home.  To my tree-lined streets & white picket fences.  To my neighbors & friends who have made the same choices as me.  To my kids who teach me more everyday, than I teach them.  And we did it all over again. 

And while I will never know what my perception is on them, I do know that I am happy with my choice.  I love my own 'co-workers' who are in the trenches with me.  Who I can wholeheartedly relate to as we swap 'who was sick where' stories, favorite recipes & family vacations.  And while my day-to-day is mostly unglamorous, it has it perks.  They are items that don't show up on a stat sheet.  The intangibles.  The inside jokes with my 4 year-old, the 'will you snuggle me's' in the afternoon, the ability to understand exactly what my 2 year-old is saying & knowing just how she likes her blanket.  They are small & simple, but deep down, I don't want to be anywhere else.

I am choosing this.  And this makes me happy. 

2011: Choosing Happiness

Come what may...and love it.

This saying has been going through my head for quite some time & it pertains perfectly to my goal of choosing happiness in 2011...whatever the circumstances.

And while I do love it, I cannot claim 'ownership' of it or the idea of it. {But I can claim action on it.} The phrase comes from a family friend who I actually haven't ever met in person, if that makes any sense. We live just blocks away & her mom quilts with my mom, but she is a good 6 or 7 years younger than me, so our paths never once crossed. But I've been impressed with her from afar.

You see she has faced 'serious' trials over the last year. Not my 'trivial' inconveniences that I try to classify as 'trials' which don't really even come close. You see last year, she was set to get married, dress shopping done, invites sent, the whole deal. She had been suffering from severe headaches & went to see her family doctor, who also happens to be mine & lives in the same neighborhood as my parents & her parents. She went just to rule out anything major & long story {that isn't mine} short, she was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer.

I remember first hearing about it at the salon of all places. My network of people is all very interconnected & my hairstylist that I went to high school with grew up just blocks from her as well & well, we all really love her & her family.

My hairstylist told me she had a blog & after calling my mom to confirm that it was all actually true, I got online.

And then I cried.

I cried because she was so young & good. She oozes goodness. I cried because she was so brave. I cried because her fiance stood by her side, flying to SanFran for brain surgery with her & insisting the wedding carry on. I cried because she bumped up her bridal pictures so she'd still have her hair. I cried because this army of people came together to produce one incredible wedding. I cried because she was still happy, brain cancer & all. Not happy about having brain cancer, but happy to face the challenge.

And that is inspiring.

She'd sign a lot of her posts, "Come what may & love it." I thought it very profound. We really have no control over most of the things around us so why not succumb? Why not adjust our expectations & embrace our 'everyday' challenges? Instead of trying to manage, control & fix, why not find our joy in the mess?

I wanted to have something in my home to remind me. Because for some reason, I forget all. the. time. how very blessed I am. I forget to be a little patient. I forget to use a kind voice. I forget to show gratitude. I forget, or more accurately, I fast forward to impatient & sharp words. And I don't want to forget or fast forward. I want to linger a little longer & be a little softer when those trivial trials pop up...because in our trials we find our strength & in finding our strength we find happiness.

Come what may & love it.

To keep up with Tara & her fight...go here.

Just a Little Eye Candy

The Lady @ 6 mos

A couple of weeks ago I got my sister to burn all the pics she has taken of the Lady thus far onto DVD's. There were 5 DVDs full of pictures, full of surprises. 2 full photo shoots at 6 mos & 9 mos that I hadn't even seen before. And this little gem was among them.

Her 6 mos photo shoot can hardly be called a 'shoot' as she was grimacing & crying through much of it. As I quickly clipped through the pictures it felt look a flip book of our experiences during that time. Her cringing, crying, wiggling & wincing in discomfort & me full of fake smiles & absent eyes. They were tough to look at until I stumbled upon this one because this is what I want to remember. She was my little baby doll with porcelin skin & bright eyes that fit so perfectly in the crook of my arm for so so so long. It is amazing that she is now a full-fledged toddler running around the house with no baby in sight & soon enough she will be a little girl, off to preschool & playdates. So instead of wishing for this baby back, I am going to squeeze the toddler version & soak up these days before they are just pictures in my mind.

Anything You Can Do...

Do you remember the rest of the saying? Anything you can do, I can do better. I'm not sure where it originated from, but in the context of my own mind, it is boys against girls.

I recently purchased a $5 magazine subscription from Amazon for Marie Claire. I can't remember ever reading it before, but I like to have one rolling in every now & again & thought I would give it a try. I mean it is $5 and last year's $5 subscription was awesome {House Beautiful}. I got my first magazine this week & while I haven't read the whole thing, so far, I am not impressed.

I've read a handful of articles & several times I've walked away with a sour taste in my mind. So much of it focuses on women in the workforce & how to be better, get paid more & look better doing it than their male counterparts.

And while I appreciate the thought & good intentions, maybe I don't want to be better, get paid more & look better...okay, I want to look better...than my male counterparts. Maybe I just want to be better than those around me. Why the boys vs. girls angle? To be a woman in the workforce does not mean you have to become like a man or that you have to beat the boys...you just need to be the best at what you do. Doing it how you do it, and if that means using 'girly' techniques, I say go for it.

When I worked for a home builder & had to go to the various cities we were building in to pull permits you bet I'd use 'girl techniques'. And you know what? It worked. My male bosses knew I would & that is half the reason they sent me. And by 'girl techniques' you know what I mean. Bat a few eyelashes, play the dumb blond card if necessary & back it up with some smarts & common sense. And there was the occasional witch with a capital B. Guess what? It works on them. And it works on my husband too.

I get tired of the talk about men & women being equals in all arenas, because frankly, we aren't & we're never are going to be. And the great thing is...that is okay. In fact, it is more than okay. That is how it is supposed to be. I am better at some things & Scot is better at others. So as opposed to fighting it, we embrace it. He pays the bills, I cook dinner. I mow the lawn, he does laundry. It works for us.

So instead of turning into a man in the workforce {which really what does workforce mean?} why don't we embrace our emotional, multi-tasking selves? And instead of fighting for higher quotas for science related fields to accept more women, why don't we make sure we are smarter & more qualified then the people already doing it?

Call me crazy, but when I am going to a doctor for major surgery I want the person that was at the top of his/her class. Not someone that squeaked in because there was a quota to be met. And that goes for industries that are predominately female as well. I remember when I was applying to the College of Education at ASU, if you were a boy applying, it was pretty darn easy to get that acceptance letter, because so few boys applied. As opposed to making it boys against girls why not person against person? And if one gender gets left behind, so be it. May the best man win.

I mean person.

He Cares.

For the last month I have been trying to get on a 'gym' schedule. And yes, it has taken a month. And no I am not there yet. My options are go at the crack of dawn {and by crack of dawn I mean before dawn has even cracked} or go some other time & haul my kids along.

In case you hadn't heard, the lady is high maintenance in some areas. And the gym kiddie corner {or whatever it is called} is a point distress for her. So much distress that they call me over the loud speakers mid-lunge to come retrieve her in her screaming red-blotchy faced state. It's awesome.

And by awesome, I mean so totally lame.

So I am back to my crack of dawn approach, which has its own hurdles. The first being, I'm tired. real. tired. Again, we head back to the lady. She has taken my 'i'm a morning person' sails & slammed them closed. I am so not a morning person anymore. Her sleep habits have put me through the ringer. So much so, that she, at 16 mos still gets a bottle in her crib at 5 am. Which after 9 months of middle of the night feedings & another 7 months of 5 am feedings, well, it gets old & starts to just wear you out. And in my case, it makes me cranky & over-obsessive about my sleep time.

But this morning, I committed. I committed to a friend to be there. She was even going to set my stuff up for me, so I for sure could not bail. And while I worried about leaving before the lady woke for her bottle, I got a nudge in the right direction when she cried out 3 minutes before my alarm was set to go off.

So I got up. And thought about how tired I was. And how I wanted to stay in bed. Then I thought about my friend setting up my stuff & I got moving. I made it to my car, turned on the radio & out came Black Eyed Peas 'I gotta a feelin...' and that is when I decided He cares.

And by He, I mean my Heavenly Father. He cares. Even about the gym. And realizes that I have good intentions & my desires to exercise are good. And I've kept at it for a month. And we both realize crack of dawn is not my first choice, but I am willing to sacrifice to achieve these goals. And while yes, I am still tired. He made it work for me this morning.

And if He cares about the gym & can make the lady wake at the perfect time, just think of the possibilities.

Today is going to be a good day.

And that feels good.

eat. pray. love.

mine probably goes something more like eat. clean. repeat. but eat. pray. love. sounds so much more romantic & lovely so we'll stick with that.

i had the chance to see this on friday night with my sil & first, let me say i am really glad i didn't make scot sit through it...even i got a little antsy. but that being said the movie is great. probably not one to own, but maybe to redbox when it comes out on dvd.

my frame of mind when i entered the theatre was a bit clouded. frankly, i was on the verge of a mental breakdown...which admittingly, happen with astonishing regularity during these hot end of summer days where i am trapped in my house with two munchkins & a husband that works all sorts of crazy hours.

i start to wonder...is this it? is this what i wanted? is this what i signed up for?

and startling enough the answer is both yes. and no. to all of the above.

i was having a moment. a moment where i longed for something more than what i was living. longing for that freedom of youth & independence. a freedom that was not hampered by hot weather, nap times & feeding schedules. a moment where i was alone to explore & take as much time as i wanted without interruption.

i'm sure you never feel this way, right?

so that was my frame of mind upon entering the theatre.

and this one did not disappoint while in that frame of mind. because you know what i realized {and continue to realize}? the moments i desire are totally within my control. and while some days i might feel like a i have a few more hurdles to cross in the form of munchkins, those munchkins really are what bring the moments to pass.

it is about embracing it.

and i need to embrace it some more.

i saw a quote recently by abraham lincoln that i loved. it goes like this:

"most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

so i'm going to go ahead and choose happiness.

wanna come?

Shake it off.

My legs are so sore I want to cry. I went to the gym yesterday for a weights class & crap I am out of shape. Today Scoobs was sitting by me on the floor when he jammed his boney little elbow right into my quad. I squealed, "Ow!" and pushed him off. Only to have him look at me & say, "Shake it off, mom."

I guess I need to take my own advice & not be a wimp. But you all know how that hurts when you are sore? Or are you all in shape and have no idea of what I am talking about?

Anyway, that got me to thinking about how I am not very sympathetic when my kids get hurt. I am always of the 'shake it off' approach, but sometimes, I suppose it really does hurt & maybe I should be a little more understanding.

A couple days ago, I got bit by an ant. When was the last time you got bit by an ant? Yeah...I can't remember either. And you know what else I couldn't remember...how bad it hurt. Granted, after one minute the pain was gone, but in that one minute I thought my leg was on fire & I asked my mom for calamine lotion...okay I was kind of kidding, but kind of not. She promptly told me I was being a wimp & to get over it.

I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree.

And for the record, I think I like the 'shake it off' approach. I mean, we are all going to get hurt over & over again in this life, right? We are going to get hurt physically & maybe worse, emotionally & spiritually & I suppose the sooner we can learn to shake it off & move on the better, right?

Or wrong?

No I'm sure. Right.