Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Running Too Fast.

 Somehow I woke up and am in the middle of my life.  I have 3 kids, I'm 30 and I drive a minivan.  I have a son in kindergarten & I remember when I was in kindergarten.  People rely on me to keep them alive & be responsible in the midst of it.  I have a water bill, a mortgage & require a babysitter to go on a date.

Somehow, I became the adult & I can't for the life of me pinpoint when that happened.  I remember being a 'young' adult.  In college with a job that paid my 'bills' and allowed me the freedom to go & do as I pleased. 

Now my primary description is mom.  And let me tell you something: It's a little nuts.  This might come across as insensitive & selfish, but when I lie in bed at night, my thoughts don't typically revolve around my kids.  Instead, I'm usually thinking about this little spot business & what I can do with it.  It's kept me up at night more than I'd like to admit, but that is usually the best time for me to think without interruptions.  I come up with all sorts of good ideas & things to do, but then I wake up & I'm mom again.

Mom who is still trying to be Amy at the same time.  Mom who is trying to make dinner & design too.  And I wonder if that is good.  

I caught myself in bed just this week, drumming up all sorts of plans, not for my family, but for my business & then I thought, "I'm really weird.  Is this okay?  Do my friends do this too?  Am I a bad mom for lying in bed thinking about this, instead of them?"

Trust me, I have plenty of family & kid related things I could lay in bed and probably solve after a few nights of deep thoughts, but instead, I'm here.

And every morning when I wake up and become Mom again, I have to re-find my balance & it is frustrating to me.  It's frustrating to have all these thoughts & ideas that have to just sit for a time  because there are not enough hours in the day or gas in the tank. 

I've had a scripture running through my head as I've been frustrated again & again this week.  It is in Doctrine & Covenants and was revelation given to Joseph Smith as he was translating the Book of Mormon.  He we counseled by the Lord:

 "Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end."
And so if it was good enough for Joseph Smith, I suppose it is good enough for me.  I know that when I put Mom first, somehow Heavenly Father allows enough time for Amy as well.  Funny how when I try to balance it myself, it never works.

How many times am I going to have to learn this?


Amberly said...

love this, every little bit. I'm thinking balance is something that we will spend forever trying to achieve. it's a tricky one..

The Layman Family said...

perfectly and beautifully put! it's such a challenge to be the "mom" and still be yourself! thanks for putting this up there!

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